SoniaSophieCourdeauMorning run has become one of my favorite things.
I used to be afraid of it. For real. (“What are people going to think of me?”)
The negative self-talk started again in May, after I finished my first session as a Master student. I looked at a picture of myself wearing a cute black dress and thought: Oh my God, is this me?
After all that time spent in front of the computer, doing my reports (and eating cake, just to cope with the anxiety), I had gained about 15 pounds. I was horrified: “But my health has become SO important to me, how could I let this happen again?” I was angry at myself. And the school system (haha), for being what it is. And the negative self-talk (my inner gremlins) went on, and on, and on. Until I decided to change my focus.
Three weeks ago, at a yoga retreat (after crying all morning because I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin), I decided that this would be an opportunity for me to learn to love my body unconditionally. As it is now. As weird as it sounds, I wrote a love letter to my body. It turned out to be a very empowering experience. For instance, I noticed that I was feeling guilty about the fact that I wasn’t able to provide the love that I wanted to my body. Like a mother, I imagine, would feel when she comes face to face with her own limitations as a mom. But what was the most interesting, is that I realized how much my body had remained so faithful to me all this time. In spite of all the self-abuse, self-hate, self-talk.
My body had always been my freedom to travel, to walk intuitively, to explore possibilities, to express my femininity, to express myself fully through arts. My body had always been my sacred temple, my vehicle to my dreams, my most authentic “voice”.
And then came gratitude.
So I paused for a moment. Breathing in love. Exhaling fear. Allowing gratefulness to wash away the guilt and uncover my heart. My precious little heart that wants to LOVE so much but feels restricted by the voices of the past: my dad’s, the bullies’ at school, society.
This is the feeling that I’m honoring everyday when I go for a run.
Breathing in love. Exhaling fear.
With every breath, I am consciously choosing to love myself unconditionally.