Before It Gets Better

It always gets worse before it gets better.
Why? Because you become aware, and that hurts.
You notice your thoughts, feelings, toxic patterns, and feel like there’s nothing you can do about the fact that you can’t let them go. 
The relationship that caused you pain. The situation that you put yourself into. 
You hate to admit that you’re not in control.
And you wish “surrendering to what is” wouldn’t be a part of the solution.
Because you resist change.
You resist growth.
You have a hard time accepting that “what was” was. That today is another day, and that tomorrow is no longer your focus.
You want happiness. Now.
So you discard everything that is not.
Even though you know hurting is a part of the process.

This is what I go through every time I experience deep personal transformation.
I can only deny for so long.
I can only bypass for so long. 
Eventually my body will catch up to me and say: “Hey, there’s something going on over here that needs your attention.”
So I listen.

There are days where I wish I wouldn’t hear it.
There are days where I wish I could just run away from myself and not face the truth.
But here it is. And here I am.
Fully connected to it. 
So I engage.
Through writing, singing, dancing.
I speak to it in its language. Energy. Movement. Flow. 
And it responds.

Then I remember that happiness isn’t far from pain.
I feel excited.
I feel excited knowing that something is being released and that my energy is shifting.
I feel excited knowing that I am growing.
Becoming more aware.
Becoming more at peace.
Becoming more in tune with myself.
Experiencing more love.

I can’t get over how fascinating that process is when I simply let it happen.
Pain and happiness are not separate. 
It always gets “worse” before it gets “better”.